December 16, 2007: Flaming Bags of Jesus

Christmas. Again.

This is the time of year in Riverside when we set aside all our worries about the crumbling infrastructure, escalating crime, and plunging home values to put little candles in bags and circle our yards with them. You know, just like they did in Judea.

Then, fools from outside the neighborhood huddle into trailers pulled by pick-ups through our neighborhood to gaze at all of the flickering lights and ponder how it all relates to the birth of our fossil-doubting, Muslim-slugging savior.

Usually, I just hunker in my home and do blasphemous things--usually involving egg nog, Bailey's Irish Creme, and XBOX Live.

This year, however, it's personal. A team of Christmas ninjas, dressed in sleek red outfits and armed with gingerbread shruiken, slipped into the yard and lined it with luminaria!

Fine, I'll grudgingly go to Cracker Barrel to get my nieces Webkinz. And, sure, I'll sullenly check for a Wii at Best Buy for my brother. I'll even take Aimee to the hideous St. John's Town Center two weeks before Christmas.

But putting Christmas in my yard like that is just going too far.

The worst part is that I can't blow them out because they're actually offering more light for a change than the shitty Jacksonville street lights.

Posted by Will Ludwigsen on December 16, 2007 7:20 PM | Permalink