September 17, 2007: Shopping...with Scott
My friend Scott's car broke down the other day, and we spent yesterday touring Jacksonville for car lots. We stopped at a Dodge/Chrysler/Jeep dealership that will go nameless and got to see, in all its glory, the full-on press of automotive salesmanship.
Included in the salesman's hour-long performance?
- The tried-and-true "shuttle diplomacy" method in which he walked back and forth to his manager to "get us a better deal."
- The hoary old "write down your fantasy deal and initial it" method.
- The usual "we haven't sold a car today and my manager will all but suck your dick to get a win" pitch.
- The heart-wrenching "my ex-wife and kids are living in a cardboard box in Myrtle Beach" schtick.
- The glad-handling "South Carolina? What a coincidence! I'm from South Carolina, too!" bit.
- The nipple-twisting "this offer lasts for the next forty-five minutes" scam.
- The three-card monte "superficial feature" nudge. "This here car? Comes with genuine glass windows."
It was awesome. Normally, I'd be bored or angry to sit through an hour of that shit, but it was such an amazing performance that I had to admire it. It was a flamboyant opera of sleaziness.
During the "write down your dream deal" phase, I advised Scott to write "lease" on the paper and offer a $300 per month payment. The guy came back about six times, shaving it closer until in final desperation he tossed out the three hundred offer.
He was pleading at the end. "What could we do to get you to take this car TODAY?"
I snickered inwardly, thinking, "Well, maybe give Scott a head injury?"
See, Scott can't buy a BOOK in one afternoon, much less a car. That poor salesman was pitching to the one person on Earth whose consumer pickiness can only be compared to a prissy Persian cat buying a jeweled food dish from a starving street vendor.
Scott would look down at the offer, shake his head grimly, and wait for the next pitch. He was inadvertently being the perfect, ball-busting negotiator...all by being himself.
I had a great time.
